A Bad Bromance
by Rikku Shinra
Summary: Also Known as 'The Misadventures of Sephiroth and Zack'. Years ago Zack had his wallet stolen by a slum kid. As a First, with a still horrible paycheck, Zack needs money. BAD. With the help of his friends, mostly Sephiroth who he guilts into helping, Zack makes some fast cash. AU in which Cloud is Cloud and nothing bad happened, not yaoi but guys are weird.
1. Chapter 1

Saturday Night

Zack looked over his budget, biting the tip of the pencil deep in thought. He needed money, and he needed it fast.

"Well, Cloud needs help with all those deliveries. Maybe pick up extra hours." Aerith had suggested two weeks ago. Zack lasted half a day extra on his own motorcycle before shoving a package at Cloud.

"My ass can't take it." Not that Zack was a quitter, but his butt was numb and his tailbone hurt. Cloud nodded his understanding and since it was local he simply walked down the street talking with his old friend about everything. It was during this walk Zack found an easy way to make money.

Crossed the table Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at his friend, holding a cup of steaming tea half way between its saucer and his lips.

"You cant be serious Zack." Zack looked up from the piece of paper and its array of scribbled numbers.

"Listen, I talked to a guy. He made ten grand in one night, imagine us, twice if not triple that amount. Especially you, I'm sure there are still some Silver Elite girls out there."

Narrowing was none existent now as Sephiroth looked at the other venomously. The Midgar Zolem would be hard pressed to beat that glare. Zack watched Sephiroth set the pen down quietly, fold his hands resting them on his stomach as he leaned back in his chair.

"Seph….come on. I need the cash." Zack's loud pitched whine raised the hairs on his neck.

Lifting a hand, Sephiroth leaned forward, "this is the first and last time Zack." Zack smiled jumping up from his seat rushing to hug his friend. For being fully human Zack moved quickly when he was compelled to do so. The chair tipped back from the weight of the two men, Sephiroth struggling to unwrap the younger man from him. Sensing the futility Sephiroth stilled, Zack's arm tightening around his waist. "Zack," a hum vibrated against the SOLDIER belt. "Get off."

Zack jumped up like a cat taken by surprise, Sephiroth's command echoing through the office. Before Sephiroth could himself to want to move, he had a bad feeling about this plan, to begin with, Zack ran to the door shouting over his shoulder that he would see Sephiroth in the employee lounge, the one with the oversized tree at nineteen thirty. The click of the door closing brought a sense of relief, although temporary Sephiroth enjoyed it from the floor as he stared into the grey nothingness of the ceiling tile.

At nineteen thirty and twenty-two seconds, Sephiroth stood under the large tree hoping Zack wouldn't see him. Lady luck was a cruel mistress as the young man waved excitedly from the door in jogging sweats, a hoodie, and running shoes. "Ready?" Zack offered a cheeky grin as he looked over Sephiroth.

Sephiroth answered with a blank stare which Zack decided meant yes. "Its down in wall market." At that Sephiroth shook his head, there was no way he would go near there, Gaia is damned. Zack huffed, slumping down. "Awe come on man. I needed the gil."

Sephiroth stopped, arms folded, "fine." Zack's smile brightened the entire room.

After Zack's wallet had been stolen in sector six, he was always trying to earn extra money. As a country boy from Gongaga, he knew hardship well and didn't want his parents to suffer any longer. That's why he had joined SOLDIER, the promise of a good paycheck. That is if you happened to be single, orphaned and had no thoughts at all of ever having children. Ever. That wasn't Zack, Zack had a girlfriend, he had loving parents and he eventually wanted some rug rats of his own. Sephiroth didn't imagine this would be the scheme Zack would be forcing him into.

Ladies night at the Honey Bee Inn was more lucrative than the normal fair of black and yellow clad women. Sephiroth glared at the back of Zack's head, fist clenched at his sides. Deep breaths the first class SOLIDER counted to ten in a whisper watching the mass of spikes withdraw from the curtain tampering the screams of the audience.

For once Zack looked nervous. "We're next." Looking down the hall at the other men he pushed his fingers together, a nervous habit Sephiroth had picked up on. The other men were huddled together casting weary glanced at the two SOLDIERS. Watching Zack fret brought a pang of guilt upon the emotionally constipated Sephiroth, although he wanted to punch him. With an indignant huff, Sephiroth placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, the price of having a heart four sizes too small. Zack looked up, puppy-eyed as an unsure smile tugged at his mouth.

A dark-skinned blond man walked up, moving to hold the curtain for them. "Oy, Spikes give them girls a show." Stepping onto the darkened stage, they picked up on bits and pieces of nonsensical chatter.

"Ladies and gentlemen, The Honeybee Inn has a special show, enjoy."

Sephiroth, caught in the hungry glint of at least one hundred horny women, looked over at Zack, who was already taking his shirt off. As the blue knit top hit the floor gil rained down, along with a few bras and a suspiciously familiar set of red lace panties. Ravenous women pawed at the younger man whose anxiety seemed to disappear and he hadn't even taken his belt off yet.

By the end of the night, Zack was leaning up against six large contractor sized bags, one in front of him as he counted his part of the earnings a large toothy grin on his face. "Sixteen thousand five hundred fifty…fifty-one…fifty-two."

On the opposite side if the room Sephiroth sat, a white takeout container and fork in hand. "Why do you need this money?"

Zack came to a slow stop on his counting. Wrapping a rubber band around the stack he tossed it into his lap. "I …I want to adopt a dog. It's been a dream of mine since I was a little kid." Zack smiled thinking of all the puppies at the local shelter or the ones in the pet shops. Maybe, I'll get a Chihuahua or a husky or a malamute. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes, stabbing the noodles. Zack drifted off into a daydream of fuzziness and puppy breath. He didn't notice the way Sephiroth stabbed the takeout container, and neither if they noticed the apartment door opening to admit the other two commanders.

"Zack, it took my clothes off for you," Sephiroth waved a hand at the black bags wondering how many noodles it would take to strangle the ebony haired man.

Zack snapped out if his daydream to return the glare. "Hey, I bought you dinner and drinks." Angeal and Genesis looked at each other huddled near the doorway. "And it's not like you didn't enjoy it." The two commanders' eye grew wide, Sephiroth had been acting nicer to the brunette, Genesis found it odd while Angeal thought he was finally warming up to his protégé. Sephiroth snorted glancing to his own stack of money bags. He had yet to dive into his cash, but he could tell he made more in one night than he had in four months. Zack leaned back, air streaming out in a puff. "Why don't you put in for leave and we can go on a vacation? Costa Del Sol, Icicle Inn, Gold Saucer," Zack sat up, "or we could stay in Midgar." Sephiroth rolled his eyes twirling his fork. He hates the cold, Gold Saucer was a tourist trap and Costa, well he would need to invest in copious amounts of sunscreen, but it wasn't out of the question.

Feeling generous, Zack tossed the wad of gil between his feet. "Go buy yourself something nice, after all, it was such a hard night." That was the straw that broke Genesis, how could the newbie first talk like that his commanding officer in such a tone, in such a way. It irked him to no end, only he was allowed to speak to Sephiroth like that.

"Zackary Fair," Zack jumped up, scared, confused and searching. Where would he hide his gil? He froze, a pillow held in front of his face. Genesis and Angeal watched their panicked subordinate as he stood still, Sephiroth, on the other hand, felt his tiny heart warm enjoying Zack's horrible attempt to hide while he bit into his noodles. Genesis looked from the pillow to the mounds of trash bags, then Sephiroth and his spread of taking out, cognac and mini Gongaga vodka bottles in various flavors then back to Zack. "What in the Goddesses green Gaia is all this?"

Zack, behind his pillow, turned to look at Sephiroth as he slurped up a marinara covered noodle, fishing in his box for a meatball. Closing his eyes he waited, silently wishing the other men would leave. "Are they gone?"

Sephiroth shook his head, pointing the meatball on his fork at the youngest First, "no and your evasion technique needs work. We all see you."

Zack sighed as the pillow lowered, Genesis glaring at him while Angeal stood in the background arms crossed waiting for an explanation. "Hey, guys…." The night seemed to get longer.

* * *

Stripper Zack hit me like a Mac truck, a glittery mac truck with wash board abs. I would make it rain for Zack.


	2. Chapter 2

Gleeful laughter flooded the shared office of Sephiroth Crescent and his partner Zack Fair. Sitting at his desk, pencil pinched between thumb and pointer Sephiroth hastily scribbled on the pad of white paper then held it up for Zack to read. Shut up!

Zack laughed louder, please with himself as he had just jinxed the other man. Per their rules the victor, in this case Zack, had to say the losers name three times, or the loser could cede and speak the password to be freed from a life of muteness. Sephiroth would tough it out, Zack knew as this wasn't the first time he had won.

"Just say it man." Zack wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, "we have a meeting with the big wigs in ten minutes, and they was to be debriefed on the recent activities in Junon.."

Sephiroth flipped him the bird and pushed his chair in as he stood. Walking past Zack's desk, he shoved the heavy boots off pushing Zack back. Zack narrowed his eyes, that's how it was going to be passive aggressive prick.

The meeting had been boring, even Rufus the young leader of Shinra, wasn't paying attention to absorbed in a phone game. From the look on Reno's face, they where playing against each other. Scarlet, the presenter, droned on about new weapons technology, Reeve slept, Palmer and Heidegger flicked a paper football between them and Hojo just left. This was the point in which Zack decided to implement his plan, he would force Sephiroth to mutter the password, he would gain total dominance and gloat.

And win a five gil bet with Reno, if he did it before Scarlet finished Rufus would give him one hundred. Zack would start simple, a hand on his partners knee. Sephiroth looked down, then at Zack and his friendly smile. Turning back to Scarlet he brushed off Zack, the twenty three year old was always doing weird things. Rufus and Reno looked up from their phones at the two then at each other in silent agreement. They had their own bet going. Rufus already owed Reno ten gil.

Zack, watching Scarlet, moved his hand gripping the area between Sephiroth's knee and the thicker part of his thigh. He could feel the other man tense as well as the glare Sephiroth gave him. Zack stilled, nerves activating his fight or flight mode. Was a hundred and five him really worth it? It was almost Valentine's day, Aerith could enjoy a show, a nice dinner. Oh yes, Zack would do anything for her, even this. His hand continued its northward mission, Sephiroth was now plotting how he would kill Zack.

He could feel the heat in the glare, the slide of Masamune against his skin. Zack dared to go further. It didn't take much to rule Sephiroth up when it came to touching and any form of violating his personal bubble. Zack squealed as Sephiroth grabbed his arm and drug him out of the board room, door slamming behind them. The paper football hit Heidegger in the face, Reeve jumped from his seat alerted to the sounds of an injured animal while Scarlet watched in horror as she realized no one was listening. As the door shut, Rufus and Reno smiled at each other, Reno's grin wider as Rufus handed him a wad of Gil.

"Butter my bagel Zack!" The President and Turk broke into fits of laughter. Outside the boardroom Zack found himself pressed against the floor Sephiroth's hand clutching his neck. Zack gasped as Sephiroth shook him. Zack had fought bravely but Sephiroth was far better at all aspects of fighting, this included grappling. At the far end of the hall Hojo sat staring at the failures of Genesis Rhapsodos and Angeal Hewley who had been passing by on their way to lunch when they heard their heard the commotion and came to investigate. Sephiroth leaned down tightening his grip on Zack's neck, "personal space Zack." There was no hidden threat, it was on full display as the long fingers pressed against Zack's pulse. Zack groaned, bringing a hand up in a weak attempt to release the death grip on his neck. It worked, Sephiroth released him, punched him in the eye and left storming back into the board room. For a few seconds Zack lay sprawled on the floor, relishing the air as it filled his lungs. Eventually he pushed himself up, the black eye would be worth it in more way than one.

As the door to the boardroom closed, Zack returning with a nice shinny blackening eye Genesis and Angeal decided they needed to talk with their counterparts.

"Lovers quarrel, obviously" Genesis mused as they resumed their voyage to the cafeteria. Hojo quirked a brow at the two waiting until they rounded the corner to say anything.

"Idiots. All of them."

* * *

I was buttering a bagel and thought this would be funny. I love I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.


End file.
